Compassion Begins With You

Think of the instruction you hear anytime you fly on a plane: “Make sure you secure your breathing mask before you help those around you.”

This simple, practical advice is a reminder: Compassion begins with you. You cannot help anyone if you are dead. The importance of self-care is paramount: especially for clients I see, especially for therapists I know, especially for men and women who give without expectation, and especially for me.

But perhaps you are wondering: “What does self-care mean? Why should I do it? And how can I practice it?

Those are great questions!

First, let’s look at some common myths about self-care, which often come from values and messages linked with our family, churches, jobs, and/or community.

Self-care is accused of being: Unnecessary, Selfish, Expensive, Indulgent, Sinful, Time consuming, Pointless.

I have learned how damaging these messages are. Especially being in a helping profession, it is so easy to get caught up in only focusing on others, and forgetting about my own needs. However, I am of little help to others if I am depleted, self-deprecating, and exhausted.

The pressure to be a workaholic, to be busy and involved in everything, to never say no, to never take days off, and to put others before you are strong messages in our society.

Even in a church context, I was taught the acronym JOY, which meant put Jesus first, Others second, and You last. Taking this deeply to heart was one of the means that drew me toward a profession in counseling: to help and care for others in their darkest times. The intention was good, but it can get twisted if you consider yourself less deserving, and less a priority.

Perhaps you’ve heard it before, “love others as you love yourself.” What gets neglected time and again is that we first need to know how to love ourselves well.

Compassion begins with you.

Knowing how to care for others flows out of a heart that is fully aware of a human body’s limitations and need for rest, kindness, understanding and love. These are all things that we deserve and require in order to have empathy for others.

Self-care is an important part of therapy, as the client’s needs, desires, and areas of shame are known and are lavished with kindness.

Burnout happens to people who are prone to give, care, love, listen, and offer themselves selflessly, yet do not make time to be aware of their own needs. It is also essential to be in a community who value and support you; otherwise you will have nothing left to give.

Hear this: you are worth extravagant and unreserved care. And there is no shame in that. It does not make you weak. It does not make you selfish. It is necessary. You are worth it!

Self-care does, of course take practice, intentionality, and effort, as most things that are worthwhile do.

Self-Care is not about over indulging in whatever you want. Examples of non-self-care are: Over-sleeping, binge-watching Netflix/tv shows/Facebook/social media, over-eating, over-exercising, drinking/smoking excessively, etc. In excess, these activities contribute to numbing and dissociation. They do not help one to engage fully in life or care for yourself.

I am not blameless here, nor am I meaning to cause shame for those who have opted for these ways of coping with stress. It makes sense that when you are emptied, exhausted in all ways: emotionally, physically, and spiritually, there is a primitive desire to do mind-numbing, dissociative behaviors. I get it – these require zero thinking. They also attempt to take you out of the stressful or painful circumstances you are in.

However, I know for myself that surfing Facebook, or watching hours of shows, makes the disconnection I feel even more amplified. I am more drained. I am more worn out, and cannot be present to others the next day. It is a vicious cycle, one that demands our attention and careful change.

So, what does Self-Care actually look like?

Self-care means learning to hear those primitive voices that say, “I’m so tired. I feel drained and empty; I need so much, but I feel like I can’t do this anymore. What’s wrong with me?”

Self-care means having awareness for those gut wrenching feelings, and learning to self-sooth in healthy ways – like a mother rocking her crying baby to sleep. It requires loads upon loads of compassion, understanding, and kindness for oneself.

Often, it also means having a caring support system around you, so that you are not doing this alone.

It can mean creating a plan – maybe you know for yourself that Tuesdays are particularly demanding, so you make a plan that your partner or roommate could cook, or you decide to get take out. Give yourself space to journal, to make art, to stay engaged, with kindness.

Lastly, I tend to think about care in a holistic sense: physical, mental and spiritual needs. So I have broken the following list into those categories.

Here is my list of Self-Care ideas:

Your body is important and it is trying to tell you something.

Having awareness for what your body needs and nourishing it:

• Napping/resting
• Playing; this activates endorphins, and is simply Fun!
• Massages
• Bubble baths, spas
• Yoga
• Exercising – even if it’s just a walk, or just to get out of the house.
• Making a delicious dinner/Going out for dinner
• Drinking tea.
• Listening to music that energizes, calms, or reminds you of good memories
• Essential oils/aroma therapy.
• Wearing soft, comfortable clothes.
• Petting animals.
• Hugs.

Here are some Mind-full exercises:

• Living in the present.
• Putting boundaries on negative, grievous, or painful emotions.
• Stop judging, comparing, beating up on yourself.
• Come see me in therapy!
• Letting yourself off the hook.
• Make goals and plans to look forward to.
• Take a break from social media, screens, and be in nature, be with people, be with real things.

Pay attention to what your Spirit is needing:

• Creating, coloring, painting, drawing, collaging, making music…
• Spending time with loved ones, even if it’s just on the phone.
• Honor the Sabbath: Take a day to rest, play, and honor God, honor goodness!
• Spending time alone
• Praying
• Breathing deeply
• Meditating
• Going to beautiful places that are peaceful to you.

This list is obviously not exhaustive, and I welcome your thoughts, additions and comments on what has been helpful for you to feel taken care of. Now, take a deep breath: that can be your first step of self-care.