Change Whip-Lash

Speaking as someone who has stumbled through several huge transitions recently, it only feels fair to address the inevitable affects that changes have on all our lives.

In the last three months, I have planned a wedding, gotten married, moved to a new city, graduated from a three-year intensive masters program, and am beginning my new career by launching my own business in private practice. Talk about change-whip-lash.

It would be easy to stop there, and feel accomplished for making all that magic happen. However, I fervently believe in the power of honesty over trying to seem like I have it all together.

So, to be honest, all this change for me has also included moments of loneliness, doubt, unproductivity and battles of shame for not being the busy, successful, Wonder Woman that I expect myself to be. Maybe you can relate.

Somehow there is a lie that in order to be strong, we must embrace and enjoy change. All the while, our bodies may be telling us a different story of resistance, terror, and anxiety.

Listening to the voices of our body is so important! Feeling lethargic, not eating well because you are too busy avoiding an empty feeling, not taking time to breathe; these are ways your body is screaming: notice me, take care of me, slow down, nourish me, let me rest. After all, our bodies are carrying the burden of what our minds are trying desperately to ignore.

Part of the trouble is the ugly root of all inferiority: comparison. I might even wonder if those reading this might judge critically: “why is she going on about change, when there are so many more difficult issues out there?” Or maybe the thought: ”Others have it way worse than me, so why should I complain?” has crossed your mind. And so we suppress, for fear of being too much.

This judgment is dangerous, because it shuts down experience, and creates a hierarchy of pain. It instigates isolation and distance versus drawing you into compassion for yourself. It is okay to feel.

Once we accept the real feelings we are in, we can begin building healthier routines of being attuned to our needs and moving forward. For me, I felt ashamed that all of these seemingly good changes were not always easy. Instead, it was easier to compare myself to others, worry about whether I would succeed, and doubt that I was good enough. Finding courage to be honest with empathetic people I trusted lifted the veil of shame that I felt, and drew me into compassionate care.

In times of waiting, it is important to focus on areas that you do have power in: actions you can take to help you feel more in tune with yourself in an effort to move with the current of change, and not as painfully against it.

Instead of lingering in dark emotions, I have had to choose activities that I know bring me joy and satisfaction: painting, working out, reaching out to friends and family, going for walks, cleaning, writing, making to-do lists, and learning to be alone. This reminds me that even though situations are not familiar, or not where I want to be, that I am still me, and there is still enjoyment and peace.

Above all, I continue to learn compassion for myself. Change guarantees trying new things, making mistakes, and feeling disoriented. Therefore, compassion is all the more necessary! It is okay to be a learner. Remember: you are doing brave, courageous new things, going on paths you have never been on before, and that demands your respect, even when there are tears.