Choosing Beauty

            Part of the hard work of therapy is choosing to cultivate capacity to deal with rejection, disappointment, fear, and uncertainty. In your life, there have been important people and monumental events that have shaped who you are, how you think, and the choices and patterns you create. Therapy provides the space to pull the past into the present so that the future may look different. In this way, the painful wounds that you’ve so dutifully buried can be metabolized, sending you on a new trajectory that is characterized by hope, security, and deep care.

            This is the work of welcoming ugliness and choosing beauty.

            For those who have felt stuck, immobilized, and entrenched in familiar patterns passed down from generations of abuse, I am here to say: you too have choice. You too have agency. You too have hope for healthy relationships. It begins with taking stock of the landscape you have travelled thus far. Those events that have shaped you, the messages you have collected about yourself and your world.

            Maybe it’s: My father was never around and ended up abandoning our family when I was young -> Meaning, I’ve internalized that men won’t stick around; it’s easier not to depend on anyone but myself.

            Maybe it’s: My mother was emotionally absent; she stayed in her room and hardly ever said anything to me. -> Message seeming loud and clear that I am not worth her attention, and I don’t know what to do with my own emotions because this was never modeled to me, so I cut that off as well.

            We all have learned to unconsciously decode these relational storylines. And oftentimes they are so ingrained in us that it takes time to see where these start and we begin.

            For me, I have always been the baby of the family. Having two older sisters who were 4 and 5 years older, the stories of me being their “baby doll” are still being tossed around by well meaning family members to this day. But in a deeper way, this ingrained in me a few messages: I can get what I want by being cute, and my worth is in being liked by everyone, not in what I can do. The problem is, we all grow up. I want to be more than a naïve, charming and go-with-the-flow girl. But I also get caught in how I have benefitted by the comfortable pattern of relying on others. So, this is where I have to be intentional about choosing a different way than the role I have comfortably lived into. In response, I choose to have confidence in my abilities, to not give into people-pleasing tendencies, and think of myself as a capable woman and therapist who helps others.

This may not seem like a terrible affliction to rise from, but even for those who don’t claim to have “huge trauma” in their lives, there is so much we have to learn about our minds and how we operate with others.

In many ways, these thinking patterns are ways we have coped with events, trying to make sense of how others have treated us. So, it is more than challenging to eradicate a way of thinking without having a new and healthier place to move toward. It is also tempting to put the blame on others: ie, my parents did or said this for years, which caused this gaping hole in me. Yes, those actions are not excused or swept over, but you do not have to live under the weight of their implications any longer. You have the power to change the pattern of your thinking, to know your worth, and step into your new role. What will you choose?