Connection Over Comparison

My husband hates Facebook.

He sees it as this game of trying to one-up each other, as if life hasn’t happened unless it’s documented: Look at this great vacation I went on! Watch my perfect partner and I smooch on the beach. Look at this delicious dinner I’m about to eat. Aren’t you jealous? 

I don’t mean to condemn all social media, because there is a place for it. For example, I will most likely post this on Facebook, giving you access to read these very words. Of course, it helps us to connect. But I notice in my own life that it can also make me feel terribly disconnected. So, what I am advocating for is having balance, connecting face to face in person with people who know us, and noticing when the comparison and jealousy game start to change your mood.

            I don’t hate Facebook as much as my husband does. But I do see what he’s getting at, and it has made me pause. Personally, I would much rather sit across from a friend and talk over coffee. I would like to stop by and hang out with my parents and look them in the eye and feel known. So then, why is it that I find myself mindlessly surfing through this fake version of life that others present? It feels dissociative, passive, deceptively innocuous, and way too easy. One could argue that social media helps us stay connected; people are busy, relationships take effort, and so pressing ‘like’ on a friend’s picture can be all we have capacity for. Sure, that’s not terrible, but is it enough?

From a mental health perspective, we need real and genuine connections with people who love us at our best and at our worst. In a sense, I’m talking about experiencing a secure attachment in relationship. This comes from feeling attuned with another person: feeling understood, accepted, and given space to be oneself even when it is different from the other. It means learning healthy boundaries of where you end and I begin. (More on the topic of boundaries to come!) Therapy can offer attunement, and it can also be found in healthy, secure relationships.

A messy truth about relationships though, is that we are human, and that includes a dichotomy of being both “good” and “bad”. Whereas social media primarily shows the picture-perfect version of what people want to show, reality confronts us with our deficiencies. We are all too familiar with our own failures, ugly underbelly, loneliness, and bowls of top ramen for dinner.

I want to be someone who is bravely vulnerable about my insecurities, and also steadily joyful in what I can offer the world. I seek to hold both the “ideal” me and the “real” me, and choose not to beat up on the real me. Having compassion for my flaws moves me to find positive solutions to improve these. In this way, I choose kindness instead of condemnation. It also opens me up to have compassion and non-judgment for others.

That fear of judgment seems to be at the crux of social anxiety, disconnection, and low self esteem. And with it is this deeper need to be validated by others. We want the hit of endorphins when someone likes what we express, to have what matters to us matter to someone else. Ultimately, we want to feel seen. However, what I argue is that social media does not do a good-enough job of providing what we need.

For, behind it all are the questions: Am I enough? Am I worth being loved? Do I matter?

So often, I hear women asking these questions in various ways as they sit across from me. The answer can only in part be resolved when another exclaims: ‘Yes, Yes, Yes; you are enough!’. The trickier track is that we have to know it deep in ourselves and own it as truth, because no one can take that away.  

Even as I write this, I feel aware of my own desire for perfection and insecure fear of being judged for my writing or content; my desire for validation is real and needs my attention. Being honest about it helps me to dismantle the disappointment that could result from posting this. In that, I know my worth is not how many nods I receive, but acknowledging to myself that I had something worthwhile to say and you can do with it what you please (that boundary line where I end and you begin). In the end, I am advocating for balance, for letting go of comparisons both on and off our screens, for compassion of our flaws, for deeply attuned, in-person connection, and for being enough to ourselves.

Choosing Beauty

            Part of the hard work of therapy is choosing to cultivate capacity to deal with rejection, disappointment, fear, and uncertainty. In your life, there have been important people and monumental events that have shaped who you are, how you think, and the choices and patterns you create. Therapy provides the space to pull the past into the present so that the future may look different. In this way, the painful wounds that you’ve so dutifully buried can be metabolized, sending you on a new trajectory that is characterized by hope, security, and deep care.

            This is the work of welcoming ugliness and choosing beauty.

            For those who have felt stuck, immobilized, and entrenched in familiar patterns passed down from generations of abuse, I am here to say: you too have choice. You too have agency. You too have hope for healthy relationships. It begins with taking stock of the landscape you have travelled thus far. Those events that have shaped you, the messages you have collected about yourself and your world.

            Maybe it’s: My father was never around and ended up abandoning our family when I was young -> Meaning, I’ve internalized that men won’t stick around; it’s easier not to depend on anyone but myself.

            Maybe it’s: My mother was emotionally absent; she stayed in her room and hardly ever said anything to me. -> Message seeming loud and clear that I am not worth her attention, and I don’t know what to do with my own emotions because this was never modeled to me, so I cut that off as well.

            We all have learned to unconsciously decode these relational storylines. And oftentimes they are so ingrained in us that it takes time to see where these start and we begin.

            For me, I have always been the baby of the family. Having two older sisters who were 4 and 5 years older, the stories of me being their “baby doll” are still being tossed around by well meaning family members to this day. But in a deeper way, this ingrained in me a few messages: I can get what I want by being cute, and my worth is in being liked by everyone, not in what I can do. The problem is, we all grow up. I want to be more than a naïve, charming and go-with-the-flow girl. But I also get caught in how I have benefitted by the comfortable pattern of relying on others. So, this is where I have to be intentional about choosing a different way than the role I have comfortably lived into. In response, I choose to have confidence in my abilities, to not give into people-pleasing tendencies, and think of myself as a capable woman and therapist who helps others.

This may not seem like a terrible affliction to rise from, but even for those who don’t claim to have “huge trauma” in their lives, there is so much we have to learn about our minds and how we operate with others.

In many ways, these thinking patterns are ways we have coped with events, trying to make sense of how others have treated us. So, it is more than challenging to eradicate a way of thinking without having a new and healthier place to move toward. It is also tempting to put the blame on others: ie, my parents did or said this for years, which caused this gaping hole in me. Yes, those actions are not excused or swept over, but you do not have to live under the weight of their implications any longer. You have the power to change the pattern of your thinking, to know your worth, and step into your new role. What will you choose?

Change Whip-Lash

Speaking as someone who has stumbled through several huge transitions recently, it only feels fair to address the inevitable affects that changes have on all our lives.

In the last three months, I have planned a wedding, gotten married, moved to a new city, graduated from a three-year intensive masters program, and am beginning my new career by launching my own business in private practice. Talk about change-whip-lash.

It would be easy to stop there, and feel accomplished for making all that magic happen. However, I fervently believe in the power of honesty over trying to seem like I have it all together.

So, to be honest, all this change for me has also included moments of loneliness, doubt, unproductivity and battles of shame for not being the busy, successful, Wonder Woman that I expect myself to be. Maybe you can relate.

Somehow there is a lie that in order to be strong, we must embrace and enjoy change. All the while, our bodies may be telling us a different story of resistance, terror, and anxiety.

Listening to the voices of our body is so important! Feeling lethargic, not eating well because you are too busy avoiding an empty feeling, not taking time to breathe; these are ways your body is screaming: notice me, take care of me, slow down, nourish me, let me rest. After all, our bodies are carrying the burden of what our minds are trying desperately to ignore.

Part of the trouble is the ugly root of all inferiority: comparison. I might even wonder if those reading this might judge critically: “why is she going on about change, when there are so many more difficult issues out there?” Or maybe the thought: ”Others have it way worse than me, so why should I complain?” has crossed your mind. And so we suppress, for fear of being too much.

This judgment is dangerous, because it shuts down experience, and creates a hierarchy of pain. It instigates isolation and distance versus drawing you into compassion for yourself. It is okay to feel.

Once we accept the real feelings we are in, we can begin building healthier routines of being attuned to our needs and moving forward. For me, I felt ashamed that all of these seemingly good changes were not always easy. Instead, it was easier to compare myself to others, worry about whether I would succeed, and doubt that I was good enough. Finding courage to be honest with empathetic people I trusted lifted the veil of shame that I felt, and drew me into compassionate care.

In times of waiting, it is important to focus on areas that you do have power in: actions you can take to help you feel more in tune with yourself in an effort to move with the current of change, and not as painfully against it.

Instead of lingering in dark emotions, I have had to choose activities that I know bring me joy and satisfaction: painting, working out, reaching out to friends and family, going for walks, cleaning, writing, making to-do lists, and learning to be alone. This reminds me that even though situations are not familiar, or not where I want to be, that I am still me, and there is still enjoyment and peace.

Above all, I continue to learn compassion for myself. Change guarantees trying new things, making mistakes, and feeling disoriented. Therefore, compassion is all the more necessary! It is okay to be a learner. Remember: you are doing brave, courageous new things, going on paths you have never been on before, and that demands your respect, even when there are tears.

Compassion Begins With You

Think of the instruction you hear anytime you fly on a plane: “Make sure you secure your breathing mask before you help those around you.”

This simple, practical advice is a reminder: Compassion begins with you. You cannot help anyone if you are dead. The importance of self-care is paramount: especially for clients I see, especially for therapists I know, especially for men and women who give without expectation, and especially for me.

But perhaps you are wondering: “What does self-care mean? Why should I do it? And how can I practice it?

Those are great questions!

First, let’s look at some common myths about self-care, which often come from values and messages linked with our family, churches, jobs, and/or community.

Self-care is accused of being: Unnecessary, Selfish, Expensive, Indulgent, Sinful, Time consuming, Pointless.

I have learned how damaging these messages are. Especially being in a helping profession, it is so easy to get caught up in only focusing on others, and forgetting about my own needs. However, I am of little help to others if I am depleted, self-deprecating, and exhausted.

The pressure to be a workaholic, to be busy and involved in everything, to never say no, to never take days off, and to put others before you are strong messages in our society.

Even in a church context, I was taught the acronym JOY, which meant put Jesus first, Others second, and You last. Taking this deeply to heart was one of the means that drew me toward a profession in counseling: to help and care for others in their darkest times. The intention was good, but it can get twisted if you consider yourself less deserving, and less a priority.

Perhaps you’ve heard it before, “love others as you love yourself.” What gets neglected time and again is that we first need to know how to love ourselves well.

Compassion begins with you.

Knowing how to care for others flows out of a heart that is fully aware of a human body’s limitations and need for rest, kindness, understanding and love. These are all things that we deserve and require in order to have empathy for others.

Self-care is an important part of therapy, as the client’s needs, desires, and areas of shame are known and are lavished with kindness.

Burnout happens to people who are prone to give, care, love, listen, and offer themselves selflessly, yet do not make time to be aware of their own needs. It is also essential to be in a community who value and support you; otherwise you will have nothing left to give.

Hear this: you are worth extravagant and unreserved care. And there is no shame in that. It does not make you weak. It does not make you selfish. It is necessary. You are worth it!

Self-care does, of course take practice, intentionality, and effort, as most things that are worthwhile do.

Self-Care is not about over indulging in whatever you want. Examples of non-self-care are: Over-sleeping, binge-watching Netflix/tv shows/Facebook/social media, over-eating, over-exercising, drinking/smoking excessively, etc. In excess, these activities contribute to numbing and dissociation. They do not help one to engage fully in life or care for yourself.

I am not blameless here, nor am I meaning to cause shame for those who have opted for these ways of coping with stress. It makes sense that when you are emptied, exhausted in all ways: emotionally, physically, and spiritually, there is a primitive desire to do mind-numbing, dissociative behaviors. I get it – these require zero thinking. They also attempt to take you out of the stressful or painful circumstances you are in.

However, I know for myself that surfing Facebook, or watching hours of shows, makes the disconnection I feel even more amplified. I am more drained. I am more worn out, and cannot be present to others the next day. It is a vicious cycle, one that demands our attention and careful change.

So, what does Self-Care actually look like?

Self-care means learning to hear those primitive voices that say, “I’m so tired. I feel drained and empty; I need so much, but I feel like I can’t do this anymore. What’s wrong with me?”

Self-care means having awareness for those gut wrenching feelings, and learning to self-sooth in healthy ways – like a mother rocking her crying baby to sleep. It requires loads upon loads of compassion, understanding, and kindness for oneself.

Often, it also means having a caring support system around you, so that you are not doing this alone.

It can mean creating a plan – maybe you know for yourself that Tuesdays are particularly demanding, so you make a plan that your partner or roommate could cook, or you decide to get take out. Give yourself space to journal, to make art, to stay engaged, with kindness.

Lastly, I tend to think about care in a holistic sense: physical, mental and spiritual needs. So I have broken the following list into those categories.

Here is my list of Self-Care ideas:

Your body is important and it is trying to tell you something.

Having awareness for what your body needs and nourishing it:

• Napping/resting
• Playing; this activates endorphins, and is simply Fun!
• Massages
• Bubble baths, spas
• Yoga
• Exercising – even if it’s just a walk, or just to get out of the house.
• Making a delicious dinner/Going out for dinner
• Drinking tea.
• Listening to music that energizes, calms, or reminds you of good memories
• Essential oils/aroma therapy.
• Wearing soft, comfortable clothes.
• Petting animals.
• Hugs.

Here are some Mind-full exercises:

• Living in the present.
• Putting boundaries on negative, grievous, or painful emotions.
• Stop judging, comparing, beating up on yourself.
• Come see me in therapy!
• Letting yourself off the hook.
• Make goals and plans to look forward to.
• Take a break from social media, screens, and be in nature, be with people, be with real things.

Pay attention to what your Spirit is needing:

• Creating, coloring, painting, drawing, collaging, making music…
• Spending time with loved ones, even if it’s just on the phone.
• Honor the Sabbath: Take a day to rest, play, and honor God, honor goodness!
• Spending time alone
• Praying
• Breathing deeply
• Meditating
• Going to beautiful places that are peaceful to you.

This list is obviously not exhaustive, and I welcome your thoughts, additions and comments on what has been helpful for you to feel taken care of. Now, take a deep breath: that can be your first step of self-care.